Monday, March 3, 2008

The Current New Tentative Life Plan

So, the past couple weeks have been a true whirlwind as I tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing. Went back to Rio de Janeiro after a wedding in Sao Paulo and have determined that for now, Rio de Janeiro is where I want to be.

But I also realized that I miss Japan…most importantly my grandfather who is getting older, with 94 just around the corner, and a small handful of friends there, who are nevertheless very dear to me. Also, I do love cherry blossom season though last year I hated everything about Japan and spring and flowers during the season because of what was going on…so I want to try and reconcile myself with Japan, with sakura, with everything, really…see if I can go back to Japan a year after the hospital visits and nervous breakdowns and actually enjoy it and come to peace with things.

As I’ve been saying for quite some time now, I also really miss my friends in Europe, in particular France and Holland (and Dublin)…so I want to get over there for a few weeks before I go back to Brasil as well…

Basically what the past year has taught me is that yes, it is really important to me that I find a place where I feel comfortable, where I feel I can have the room to grow and develop and be ME without the constraints and judgments of a society such as what I felt in the United States and Japan. But what I’ve also learned is that no matter where I am, ultimately the people that make me feel like me and love it are the dear friends in my life, who are, for better or worse, scattered around the world. Therefore, I am still trying to find a balance between being where I want to be, and being with the people I want to be with.

I think that logically it makes sense for me to go visit the people I want to see before getting back to Rio de Janeiro and really trying to set up some form of lifestyle there. And why do I think I want to be there? Well, Brasil in general…I don’t really know how it morphed into what it has turned into, but I’m guessing I should just accept it. I got there, didn’t really like it, thought, hmm, what’s the big deal. Now, I’m absolutely head over heels in love with the country, am in Argentina thinking about Brasil, looking for Portuguese speakers everywhere I go…who knows. What I do know is that since leaving Japan last July, I visited Australia, the US, Cuba, Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and Costa Rica before visiting Brasil; and in each one of those countries, I enjoyed them for what they were, but I was always ready to leave when it came time to leave. In Brasil, I thought I would stay until Carnaval, then kept finding an excuse to stay longer…I stayed a total of 7 weeks, and was ready to jump out of the cab on the way to the airport in Rio. So I’d say that’s a pretty good sign.

Anyway, I’ll be leaving Argentina in just over a week so I’ve got to get busy eating and drinking my beloved red wines!

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