Wednesday, August 29, 2007

USA: Los Angeles: 25-27 August 2007 (Written 28 August 2007)

On Saturday, the 25th, I took a bus down to meet Jenny Winston at LAX. She was flying in for just a day from Denver (thank you!). We went down to Hermosa Beach, where I had lived briefly, and had yummy food at Good Stuff. Played by the water for a bit, then back up to Santa Monica. We took a nap then I went to yoga. After class, we went to the Japanese supermarket over at Olympic and Sawtelle - I found it surprisingly refreshing to be around Japanese speakers, and I got really excited to ask for stuff in Japanese - it was kind of weird.

We then went to Trader Joe's where I got a bunch of food and then we went home to have a really random concoction of stuff for dinner. We went for a walk in the area and called it a night. I've known Jenny since high school - over the years, I've visited her in France twice and several times in Colorado, and she's come to L.A. 3 times now. I do, on some level, believe that shes a friend for life. It's so interesting to me though how much of myself I see in people I've known for a long time, and along with that, how much I've changed and no longer am who I used to be. So it's always an intense experience and this was no exception.

On Sunday we went to the Venice Farmers Market and had a great time. After that we lounged around in the house and I finally began to tap into what's really bothering me; my grandmother's death. It's been pushed inside after the initial days of her death, because it just wasn't the appropriate time and place for it. In May and June in Japan, I was with clients all the time so showing the grief would not have worked. In Australia, I was so busy DOING stuff that it never really surfaced - other than with Chris for a brief time. So now that I'm in L.A. and not really DOING much (although in fact I feel so busy everyday) - I feel that it's time that I can release and start to chip away at the huge boulder inside of me. It started with Jenny.

As she left, I gathered myself and waited for Nia to arrive. My foot had started to bother me (one of the reasons I skipped yoga on Sunday) so I told her I didn't think I could do the Malibu hike. We went up to Malibu anyway, and on the way I really just let it go. It's amazing to me that no matter how much we do (this is the case for me), we are always left wanting more. We wonder what we could have done differently, how things may have been different, and we question our decisions. I know that what I did over the past 2 years with my grandparents is something of enormous willpower and love, but I am still left with other thoughts. Could I have gone earlier? Could I have visited them more often? In my rational mind, I know that these are silly questions, and that I have no reason to feel these things, yet in my heart I still do. I imagine that grief is something you carry with you for the rest of your life. You may grow to accept it but it will always be a part of you. So I'm just learning how to let that happen naturally without consuming me, and I'm working on trying to release a lot of the emotion that's still there.

On Sunday evening, Nia dropped me off at Jenny Lapat's, and we went for dinner then sat around chatting for a few hours. She is, again, this constant figure in my life which I'm grateful for.

On Monday morning, I went to Saul's class and finally talked to him. I grabbed a drink with Tricia until Jenny came to get me. We went and had Real Food Daily Nachos then up to Malibu for sea kayaking! It was really really great. The water was so much clearer and lighter than normal, a beautiful light green turquoise aquamarine blend, and we had timed it perfectly for low tide. I love being out on the ocean.

Omar came and met me in Santa Monica and then we went down to delizia and met Molly at Mor for a salsa class. The idea is to prepare for Cuba. I got really self-conscious (guess that part of me still comes alive in L.A.) and couldnt' really get into it. Maybe it was the classroom situation. It was ok though. Afterwards, Molly, Omar, and I went to Novel Cafe and chatted for a couple hours. Molly went home and Omar and I went up to Temple Bar and went for Mexican food. We also randomly drove by German and his parents which was so random - I love that I can leave this city for 2 years and still somehow manage to have chance crossings like that. It's so weird!

After this, I was exhausted and though I tried to stay up for the full lunar eclipse, my body said no.

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