Thursday, August 26, 2010

Aftermath Intro

So I have been back in Kathmandu for about 5 days now, and have thought (lots and lots) about writing since before we even came back to the city.

The task seems huge and daunting, and I don't know where to begin. I think writing about it all in one go is really a huge endeavor and it makes more sense that it will come in installments.

The yatra was NOT what I expected. What did I expect? To be tossed and turned and have emotional upheavals for sure, but beyond that I tried not to expect too much - perhaps the only tangible concrete expectation I allowed myself to have was that Sadhguru, in his physical body, would be the one conducting the 'processes' - the initiations - both at Lake Manasarovar, and then at Mt. Kailash. He did neither.

It's hard to explain the emotions that came along with this - especially because they sound so silly coming from a grown woman who has never had a real conversation with her Guru - but what I felt that day, coming down from Kailash, was an engulfing, overwhelming, devastating feeling of abandonment, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, and the feeling that a huge, massive, tremendous opportunity had been allowed to let slide - and that I had really done everything in my miniscule power to make it happen. It was like leading up to that moment on the mountain, all discomfort, all emotional ripples, I was able to say, it's ok, it'll all be worth it because he'll be at the top. And he wasn't.

And so I felt shattered to a million pieces - me, who had kept it together the whole trip, supporting the ill and always coming with a smile to the Sherpas (who actually only a fraction of them were Sherpas, damn we're so ignorant) - sobbed like the world was going to end, for a full 24 hours. Which of course caused enormous worry with the Tibetan drivers who held my hand and force-fed (how do you say? force-drank?) me my bo-cha comfort butter tea...and then the Nepalis who buried my snot-covered face in their necks...

And now it's been more than a week since we left that holy granite mound, and I feel confused and disoriented and lost and unsure. Of everything. Actually, I don't even know what I feel unsure of. Maybe that's what he wants. Hahah I really sound psychopathic these days and I know it...

Oh, one more thing to keep in mind - at our sathsang at Kailash, Sadhguru made us promise that we had to leave something behind at Kailash. Anger we can't control, but he made us promise to leave behind angry words. So this is really something I'm taking to heart and going to try very hard to stick to. So it will be more than a bit challenging to relate the events that took place the past few weeks without transferring even a bit of the anger that went along with it, but I really, really, will try my best.


1 comment:

bella.calamitas said...

I love you friend. : ) Keep on.